The Game Plan

What She Said

Night night, Mommy.

What She Meant

Ok, here’s the game plan. You watch a rerun of Suits and go to bed at 9:30, feeling really proud that you’re going to bed early to finally get a full night’s sleep. While you’re entertaining that delusion, I’ll power nap from 8:30-12:30 and then start whining and moaning to warm up my vocal chords.

At 1am I’ll scream for a bottle. Daddy will give it to me because he has to get up early for work and he wants at least 2 straight hours of sleep. That will lead to 2am, when I pee through my diaper. You’ll pick me up and I’ll just keeping letting loose on both you and the floor. You’ll be way too tired to care.

You’ll change me on your bed (still wearing your peed-on tank top, and still not caring- which, if we’re being honest, is kinda gross), thinking that being in bed with you will put me to sleep. Obviously that won’t work at all.

I’ll pretend to sleep for roughly 6 minutes, but just as you start to doze off I’ll poke you in the eye. Then the other eye. Then I’ll ask to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on your phone. When you say no I’ll try for another bottle. When I get denied again, I’ll start playing with your hair and singing in a soft, slightly maniacal tone that causes you to be too afraid to fall asleep.

At 2:30- and pay attention because I don’t want you losing any teeth- at 2:30 I’m going to kick you in the mouth. Hard. Nothing personal. While you’re checking your jaw I’ll jump off the bed and head for the dog, because by this time Rocco will want to know what’s going on and I’ll feel obligated to tell him.

Once you wrestle me away from the dog and settle him down, you’ll angrily bring me back to my room, still checking your jaw. It’ll be fine- let it go already. You talk a big game about raising a strong woman, but you can’t even handle a size 5 to the face? Get it together, lady.

You’ll put me in my crib and tell me I need to cry it out this time. Then you’ll bump into Daddy, who went to sleep on the couch an hour ago. You’ll look at each other with that sleep-deprived “if she was the first, she’d be the only child” expression and wander helplessly back to your separate beds.

Are you still with me? Ok, great. Moving right along.

From 3am-5:30am I’m going to do this routine I’ve been practicing. It’s like a whine/scream combo with one leg over the crib, plus a twist of my hips and one arm in the air- nevermind, it’s so much more effective in person. The description doesn’t really do it justice.  Just watch the monitor; you should be able to see it pretty clearly. I’ve been working on it for a few weeks and I’m really proud of it- but feel free to let me know if I should tweak anything.

So a little after 5:30 I’ll start cooling down a bit, and I’ll finally fall asleep about 10 minutes before your alarm is set to go off- not that you’ll need it. You’ll be wide awake.

Finally, I’ll refuse to get up until 7:20 and then spend the next 20 minutes wandering around the house in my underwear and mumbling incoherently, while you follow me around begging me to put my pants on. You’ll finally give up and drive me to school half-dressed, but it’s cool because you’ve done that plenty of times, am I right?? Am I right, Cathy? I’m right.

Now, I know we were 40 minutes late to work today but I’m telling you, if we play our cards right we can make it a solid hour tomorrow. Are you ready? Are you feeling it?! That’s my girl! Let’s do this!



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