Today, we will go over the Anxious Mother’s Guide to Preparing for a Routine Pediatric Dental Procedure. Feel free to take notes or just print this entire article for reference.
All set? OK, here we go. Now, you may of course move these around as works best for you, but this is the general order of the steps:
Listen to the dentist tell you your son has 8 cavities. Yes, EIGHT.
Hope some of them are in teeth that are about to fall out.
Listen to the dentist tell you every one of those little bastards are between molars, in awkward locations, and of course it will take several sessions and be challenging. Because why wouldn’t it be?!
Make first appointment.
Mentally agonize over the details of his organic, low sugar, candy-and-all-fun-foods-free, frequent brushing lifestyle and wonder what the hell you’re doing wrong.
Remember his visit to the pediatric ophthalmologist last month where you learned he might have a lazy eye. Wonder if you should just put him in a bubble now and get it over with.
Take him to the diner and let him eat a stack of giant pancakes dripping in syrup because hey, clearly your organic, low sugar neuroses have gotten him NOWHERE and all of his teeth are falling out and he’s going blind so f*ck it.
Put in for a sick day in case he doesn’t handle the anesthesia well.
Pack snacks in case he’s hungry when he wakes up.
Pack an extra shirt in case he vomits when he wakes up.
Pack extra pants, underwear and shoes in case he vomits a lot.
Pack towels in case he projectile vomits.
Go to the store and buy his favorite foods for after the procedure.
Go back to the store and buy soup in case he has trouble chewing.
Resist the urge to Google “routine pediatric dental procedures gone wrong.”
Get mom to come with you, to help in case, you know, he doesn’t handle…you get it.
Buckle under the stress and Google “routine pediatric dental procedures gone wrong.”
Wonder which hospital is the best option in case his routine dental procedure goes wrong.
Snap at your husband for being too hard on him for not finishing his dinner.
Mapquest the best route from the dentist’s office to the hospital you’ve chosen because you are now convinced his routine dental procedure will, without a doubt, go horribly awry.
Snap at your husband every time he even looks at your son in a stern manner.
Let him stay awake late watching his favorite Netflix cartoon while you marvel over how much you love him.
Write a blog in an attempt to give a humorous slant to your insanity.
OK! You’re all set for your routine pediatric dental procedure! Any questions??2017-11-07 20.32.15

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